The Petarian Mag - Naughty Petarian

 

CHECK....Is He a Proud Petarian?

He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
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He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
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He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
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He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
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He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
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He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
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He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
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He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
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He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
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He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
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He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
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He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
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He is not afraid of commitment
He is Monogamously Challenged.

 

Petarian Proverbs

Love all, trust............................. me.
 

An idle mind is............................. the best way to relax.
 

Where there's smoke there's............. pollution.
 

Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
 

A penny saved is............................not much.
 

Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers.
 

Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.
 

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your

nose.
 

Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded.
 

If at first you don't succeed..............get new batteries.
 

You get out of something only what you...see in the picture on the box.
 

When the blind lead the blind..........get out of the way.

 

Petarian Professionals

A Petarian Accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
 

A Petarian Auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
 

A Petarian Banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is

shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
 

A Petarian Economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
 

A Petarian Statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
 

A Petarian Actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
 

A Petarian Programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
 

A Petarian Mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
 

A Petarian Topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
 

A Petarian Lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
 

A Petarian Psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
 

A Petarian Professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
 

A Petarian Teacher is like a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
 

A Petarian Consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
 

A Petarian Diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

 

Petarian Golf Guide

1. Look at the size of his putter.
 

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
 

3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
 

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
 

5. My hands are so sweaty I cannot get a good grip.
 

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
 

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
 

8. Just turn your back and drop it.
 

9. Hold up. I have to wash my balls.
 

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

Petarians are like...

Bananas. . .The older they get, the less firm they are.
 

Vacations. . .They never seem to be long enough.
 

Weather. . .Nothing can be done to change them.
 

Blenders. . .You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
 

Coffee. . .The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
 

Commercials. . .You can't believe a word they say.
 

Department Stores. . .Their clothes are always one half off.
 

Government Bonds. . .They take soooo long to mature.
 

Mascara. . .They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
 

Popcorn. . .They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
 

Snowstorms. . .You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll

get, or how long it will last.
 

Lava Lamps. . .Fun to look at, but not very bright.
 

Parking Spots. . .All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

                                                                              _____Waseem Ahmed